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Top 10 things I hate about EASHL

by on 12/25/2011

1. Get out of the circle!

This is all about the faceoffs. So often a player will play the C position because the LW and RW position are taken then they end up losing every faceoff and cause their team to chase after the puck in every zone after every draw. It’s annoying, stop it. I don’t want to chase after the other teams D on every draw in every zone. I’d like to try to produce some offense! Either leave the game when the LW and RW position have been filled or do the god damn offline faceoff tutorial and learn how to win them, IT’S NOT THAT HARD!

2. Defense! *clap clap* Defense!

Don’t play D if you don’t know how to play defense. It is NOT a good idea to give up 2-on-1 rushes on EVERY rush cause you were caught up ice trying to score a goal. It is NOT a good idea to be the first one into the offensive zone on EVERY rush. It is not okay to wind up for a slap shot form the point while there are 3 forwards blocking your shot in front of you. It is most certainly NOT a good idea to trip someone on a break away because you were out of position trying to score a goal. Learn to play real defense or don’t play D at all.

Forwards also need to play defense too. Don’t be a cherry picker. See #3.

3. Don Cherry picks less cherries than you.

It’s like the red line has an invisible wall that they can skate pass. 90% of the time, I’m okay with a player being above the red line for a breakout pass if the other team is inept in the offensive zone but when the team is struggling to defend and you’re still above the red line, you are an ass, a big Beyonce sized ass. Help your team defend cause they’ll help you get some points. Another thing that pisses me off about cherry pickers is that they constantly are calling for the pass from CPU players and this usually leads to a stupid turnover that ends up in the back of the end. STOP CALLING FOR THE PASS AND LET THE CPU HANDLE THE PUCK. And for god’s sake don’t call for a pass when a CPU goalie has the puck and the opposing forwards are in front of him. It’s going to be a turnover, let him freeze the puck!

4. Hi, my name is Alota Semin/ Onher Backstrom.

This one is all player immaturity. Are you THAT immature you need these kind of player names? The two mentioned are bad but the worst all-time in my book would have to the player who calls themselves “BLACKFACE”. Grow up already and just use your real name.

5. Let me just bend over and pick that up for you…

If you ever need to stop someone just hip check them. In NHL 11, hip checks didn’t cause enough damage, now they cause too much damage. No matter where you make contact, as long as you are performing a hip check you’ll knock the opposing player to the ground. You can be going down into the hip check and make contact with a player and you’ll knock them off balance. Seriously, I hit someone with my head once while performing a hip check and I sent them flying. HOW IS IT BIOLOGICALLY POSSIBLE FOR ME TO SEND SOMEONE, GOING 20 KM/HR, FLYING THROUGH THE AIR WITHOUT SUFFERING A BROKEN NECK?

6. Oh look! Steven Stamkos is playing with us.

Why do people feel the need to use a NHL player, take them online and make that player look absolutely stupid? Are people ashamed of their own real names or do they have so much pent up hate for a player they need to find some way to embarrass them? I’ve seen a lot of NHL players “recreated” online, I’ve played against a Henrik Sedin that ran over everyone like a train. I can understand players wanting to take there favorite NHL superstar online and playing with other peoples created players but due to EASHL experience system it’s not possible to do so.  But when you’re creating female versions of the Sedin twins online for no reason, you are a douche bag. How’d I know? It was just female characters with red hair named Henrik and Daniel. It wasn’t hard to tell.

7. PASS THE PUCK!

You aren’t playing Be A Pro so stop trying to skate the puck from end-to-end trying to deke 5 defenders when your teammates are open for a pass. People who do this are idiots who don’t know anything about the game of hockey. A puck moves faster than any player can, move the puck around to create space for yourself and your teammates. LEARN TO PASS THE GOD DAMN PUCK. PASS IT OUT OF THE ZONE. PASS IT TO YOUR TEAMMATES. PASS IT INTO THE SLOT. PASS IT TO BULIS. JUST PASS IT! If you have one of these idiots who refuse to pass the puck, you can do what I do, cross the blueline before they enter the zone with the puck forcing them offsides. After about 5 or 6 offsides they get fed up and leave the game.

P.S. – Contrary to #2, there are some people that play D really well in their own zone and in the offensive zone. Pass it to the point for a point shot. It’s another way to create offensive. USE IT.

8. Don Cherry would be proud.

Hits are a big part of the game and making a huge hit that gets a replay makes everyone happy. Admittedly, flattening someone out is a great way to separate them from the puck,  turn a play around and send your team in the other direction. BUT and it’s a big but, it only works if you’re GOOD at hitting. I don’t mean you can skate around the ice and knock anyone over by just touching them because your strength and body checking is at 99. Knowing when NOT to hit someone is just as important as being able to hit someone. So often I’ve seen a defender defending on a 2-on-1 and will go after the puck carrier for a hit and the puck carrier passes the puck before he gets hit and his teammate scores a goal. LEARN WHEN TO HIT, MOST PEOPLE ONLINE HAVE A BRAIN AND KNOW HOW TO AVOID A HIT OR PASS THE PUCK PRIOR TO A HIT.

9. MAKE A GOD DAMN SAVE!

Human goalies. 99% of them suck. 98% of them let in 4 goals in 6 shots. Need I say more?

Oh wait … All the other positions being full does not make it okay for you to be a shit-tastic goaltender. Leave the game during position selection if you don’t know how to play goalie. It’ll save you the trouble of listening to people inform you that you suck as a goalie.

10. HOLY SHIT LEAVE THE GAME ALREADY!

#9 follow up. You’ve let in 2 goals from center ice and you still won’t leave the game. YOU”RE AN ASSHOLE. Do everyone a favour and just leave the game so we can try to salvage the game.

This also applies to another other position, if you’re not willing to play as a team, don’t play. Go offline and play with yourself.

If after reading this weeks PPG Top 10 list, you’d like to play with me online, you can add me on PS3. My PSN ID is eyekon03, just mention you’re a PPG reader. I would love to play some NHL 12 with my readers.

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From → Fantasy Hockey

2 Comments
  1. I’d like to add how I hate every single player crashing their own net to stop shots. Being a D-man it’s annoying when your team rushes at goal and knocks you out of your position, just because they all wanna be a puck hog and score. Majority of the time the other team will pass to open players and they score. 1 because the wannabe Gods of offense do not know how to take away passing lanes and mark players. 2 the same wannabe Gods of offense are now screening their own goalie so of course he won’t save it. Then they like to rage quit because they keep doing this and actually can’t score themselves for shit. I KNOW I’m not brilliant with offense but considering they all take away my position and forget their own, I’m forced out to take away passing lanes and IF we get the puck out, I’m the one left to go up ice which is a fail. To sum up, I hate wannabe offense who ruin my game. And like you said, people who can’t play goalie but still pick it.

    • Phuong Pham permalink

      Right on! I should have added this under #2. Why is it so hard for people to leave the shooter to the goalie and take away the pass. I always do this as a center/winger or dman. Believe it or not, it’s like real life, if you take away the pass they have to shoot and 9/10 times the goalie will make the save. If your goalie knows you are going to take the pass away he won’t try to cheat and create an empty net. There are instances were its okay to be a wannabe goalie, especially if your goalie has over committed to one side of the net and let the other side gapping, that usually when i dive in as a wannabe goalie and try to block an easy goal. I’ve only prevented 2 or 3 goals in 200+ EASHL games.

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